非誠勿擾2

你見，或者不見我

　　我就在那裏 　　不悲不喜

　　你念，或者不念我

　　情就在那裏 　　不來不去

　　你愛，或者不愛我

　　愛就在那裏 　　不增不減

　　你跟，或者不跟我

　　我的手就在你手裏 　　不捨不棄

　　來我的懷裏 　　或者

　　讓我住進你的心裏

　　默然 相愛 　　寂靜 歡喜

Happiness is a Journey, Not a Destination

For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real life.

But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first,

some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.

At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness.

Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you share it with someone special、someone special enough to spend your time with. Make the most of your time.

Don’t waste too much of your time studying、working、or stressing about something that seems important. Do what you want to do to be happy but also do what you can to make the people you care about happy. 

Remember that time waits for no one. So stop waiting until you take your last test、until you finnish school、until you go back to school、until you have the perfect body、the perfect car、or whatever other perfect thing you desire.   

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

So work like you don’t need the money,
Love like you have never been hurt,
and dance like no one’s watching.

-- By Father Alfred D’Souza

Today's Quote

"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life." ~ From the movie Eat Pray Love

所以我把facebook又重新開啟了.

我終於明白,原來時時刻刻追尋著自以為的balance,只是一種control freak 的表現. 自以為可以control自己的人生,別人的人生,以為尋求一種生命的超脫的平衡才是真理. 以為正確的事其實根本就是一種很傻的行為. 那樣子的硬撐,那樣子自以為是的受苦,給自己無止無盡的罪惡感,以為這樣逃避就能找到平衡,原來真的完全不存在.

生命終難以承受之重,就是生命力展現的一部份. 原來在愛裡失去平衡感,也是真實人生中得到平衡的一種方式. 原來放膽去愛一個人,為了愛而願意遠遠的祝福一個人,失去應該有的人生哲理的時候,放下所有一切應該堅守的規則的時候,才是活在平衡生活中的時候. 我在很多個夜晚困惑不已,淚流滿面啜泣自責的時候,竟也是我真正活在自己平衡世界裡的時候.

我多麼感激,在黑暗的電影院裡,可以淚流滿面而他人不自知. 自己明白了這種失去平衡的感覺,然後珍惜那種因為不平衡而帶來的愛的痛的感受. 也許敞開自己感受一切,就是我活在當下的證明吧!

Today's Quote

Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong; even a stopped clock is right twice a day 
~ From the book Brida


有時候我覺得自己罪孽深重, 背叛了自己堅守的原則也對不起別人. 我總深深的責怪著自已,以為犯了天大的錯誤,不可原諒. 在別人看來自信亮麗的我,原來是那麼脆弱的活在非黑即白的分明世界裡. 親近的朋友說我愛鑽羊角尖 (因為我是牡羊座),很多事情應該放下. 也許某些事情有錯,某些狀況不該發生,可是畢竟這個世界上,那麼多那麼多的事情有例外,連西班牙文的固定語法都充滿了例外,為什麼我不能給自己一些例外呢?

是啊~ 連停止在某個時間的鐘在一天之內都可以有兩次機會走到正確的時間,我的錯,又豈是如此不可原諒呢?!

Today's Quote

碰到令你感動的人或事,先後退五步

為什麼要後退? 因為這樣才看得清楚,才不會衝動. 我曾經看著自己喜歡的人,躊躇不已. 我不該向他靠近,可是我卻暗自決定,要是他朝著我走來,我不會後退. 我當時以為,雖然我們只有五步的距離,但只要他朝著我前進一步,即使我不動,我們之間的距離就仍會拉近一些,然後一步一步,我們終有一天可以越來越靠近.

也曾有令我心動的人,衝動的忘了一切朝我走來,而我是那麼的深受吸引,完全無力抗拒,被愛的氛圍緊緊纏繞. 即使耳邊響起了警告的鐘聲,提醒我再三思考,即便我清楚知道,應該遠離那一切的誘惑,但我彷如遭受電擊般佇立原處無法動彈. 也許我早該退後五步,甚或在他決心邁步之前就該退後, 因為一旦成為讓我心動的人事物,就再難以輕易的放手了.

令我感動的時刻,我會輕易的張開自己的胸懷,該講的,不該講的,該做的,不該做的, 甚麼都壞了. 但有天驀然回首,卻發現後悔兩字,早已來不及.

所以這句話說得好,碰到令你感動的人或事時,先退後五步. 別因為感動就掏心掏肺,知無不言,也別因為感動,就忘卻了應該謹守的分寸和原則.

Today's Quote

"Well, I always tried to look nice and be feminine even in the worst tragedies and crisis, there's no reason to add to everyone's misery by looking miserable yourself. That's my philosophy. This is why I always wore makeup and jewelry into the jungle-nothing too extravagant, but maybe just a nice gold bracelet and some earrings, a little lipstick, good perfume. Just enough to show that I still had my self-respect."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) 

有人說 通往天堂的路有七層,你必須一層一層往上攀爬,才能到達極致的天界. 而地獄也有七層,不斷一層一層的向下沉淪,最終也將陷落最底層的深淵. 如果現在的我就在地獄的最底層, nothing I can do but to climb up...我不求到達天堂,但就算想要重回人間,一樣得向上探求.

而不論那顆心陷落在地獄的第幾層,遭受著怎樣的煎熬,我仍然希望自己看起來非常美好,因為there's no reason to add to everyone's misery by looking miserable yourself. 讓週遭的人時時刻刻想著安慰你的話語,露出同理心的表情,甚或讓所愛的人因此心緒隨之低落,都不是我所想見到的事情. 我常笑說這是牡羊座的自尊,搞得自己像小丑一樣,只想讓人看到外表的五顏六色和歡愉,而拒絕任何灰暗內心世界的表露.

這段話是作者Liz在峇里島的藥舖時碰到美麗性感的巴西女郎Armenia時, 她對Liz說的一段話. 巴西女人對自己的外在表現如此的重視,重視到了一種令人尊敬的地步.他們無時無刻的讓自己呈現最性感美麗的狀態,像是永遠盛開的熱帶花朵,盡力的奔放出迷人的濃烈香氣和繽紛色彩,絕對不允許自己有一刻不誘人. 這樣的self-respect,才是真正讓人敬佩的地方.

我真的很喜歡Eat Pray Love這本書,不單單是因為我喜歡吃喜歡旅行,更因為他給我很多堅強的理由,伴我走過很多在國外旅行時的孤單日子. 雖然電影版本不是那麼的令人滿意,但短短兩個半小時要說完一年的故事和成長本來就不容易,就像一個短短的quote也不可能完整表達我的心境. 還會有更多的quotes from this book, and I am going to read it over again...

整理

原來最難整理的,是感情.

為了讓自己看起來一切如常,為了讓自己調整思緒,為了讓自己有可以專注的源頭,分散的空間,為了不讓人感受到我慌亂紛雜的心情, 為了不在讓自己衝動的非理性的做出不該做的舉動,我機械化的重複的整理各種東西,以為這樣就能好好的把感情也整理好來.

連續吃了四天的小火鍋,因為那重複的放菜夾菜沾醬放入口中的過程,可以機械化的麻痺自己,不用與人交談,只要忙碌的運作著看似規律的流程,沒有人會看出我的心情; 一口氣整理了半年多來的發票 刷卡單 就醫紀錄還有銀行對帳單,幾千張單子慢慢的看過再撕毀,彷彿撕扯的瞬間,可以把混亂的思緒也撕散空中. 整理了188張客戶名片,一張一張的把公司名稱和email輸入系統中,這件煩雜讓我平常最討厭的工作,現在成了一種享受. 我得非常專心,非常仔細的一個單字一個單字看好再key in, 注意力集中得像是辛勤搬運麵包屑的螞蟻,旁若無人的投入在這長方形小紙片的世界裡. 不停的吃了三包蘇打餅乾,每一次把那沾滿蔥花海苔的薄片放進嘴裡的瞬間,我得小心的不讓碎屑遺漏在桌上,一片接著一片沒有意識的塞,直到整個胃充滿了澱粉的飽足感為止; 專注的煮了咖啡,細心的盯著綿密的奶泡,再謹慎的注入杯子中,好像做的每一件事都變成一種儀式,好像每一個動作都可以帶我轉移注意力,整理好一切,然後讓我可以欣喜的面對清醒的一天.

只是一杯咖啡下肚之後,才發現自己繃緊的情緒被焦躁的咖啡因拉提到了頂點,雙手不能停止的清理磨豆機,然後是咖啡機,奶泡杯,濾壺.已經有那麼多的事可以做,有那麼多的東西能夠整理,怎麼感情還是那麼紛亂,沒有理出一個頭緒?

I deactivated myself from facebook

Facebook有個很厲害的功能,就是隨時都可以un-friend某個在朋友清單上的人,對方不會接到通知,只是自此之後就再也看不到你的動態和消息. 感覺上很殘忍,可是也很實用,清楚的表明我不想跟你聯絡,別再打擾我了 (說這功能厲害是因為它如此的一刀兩段,沒有現實生活中那種不乾不淨的關係).

除非兩人不熟,否則因為某些原因而被un-friend的人,知道的瞬間一定是又羞又急,然後很快的情緒會變成又氣又難過. "憑什麼是你un-friend我,不是我un-friend 你?!" 所以這個功能雖然強大,可是也很極端,因為一翻兩瞪眼,facebook un-friend了,是不是現實生活也永不連絡? 也因此這樣,常常大家會"不好意思"按下那個un-friend的鈕,即使兩人現實生活已經不相往來,還是可以彼此在fb上面看到對方的動態,窺探彼此的一舉一動.

偏偏fb是這樣一個讓人容易上癮的東西,現在不僅僅是網路版,還有手機版,甚至訊息推送功能,讓你時時刻刻都像著了魔一樣的一天check 20遍,看看大家的動態,照片和心情. 恐怖的是,當自己發了瘋的對某個人著迷的時候,會不停不停的想要窺探那個人的一切動態: A君在半夜幾點幾分還在fb上, 他又回應了哪個朋友的動態,他分享了什麼歌曲(代表他現在的什麼心情?), 他對誰誰誰的評語按了個讚,他似乎在跟誰搞曖昧,他的照片透露了他最近怎樣的交友狀態? 他最近都沒有Update近況,究竟是不是刻意消失? 這一切的一切都那麼的addictive,好像怎麼也看不累似的. fb讓人很容易就變成了一個stalker,而且無跡可尋,對方完全不會知道自己被這樣的秘密窺探著.

然後正常的生活變得不再正常,原本面對面的溝通管道變得不再重要,整個酒吧裡的人喝著酒各自在fb上面繼續窺探其他的朋友,回應各種動態,然後自己也似有若無的透露一些又真又假的情緒,不敢講太多,卻又忍不住不講,然後越來越混亂,搞得自己更加神經質的面對每一天的人生.

所以如果自己躲起來,自以為是在rehab,可是又無時不刻的在facebook上update自己,查看他人,從隻字片語裡猜想推敲,那就永遠都走不出來,永遠沒有給自己機會徹底的覺悟的機會. 而un-friend任何人,其實都只是想把責任推在別人身上的方法而已. 只有deactivate自己,不再把自己暴露在這難以自拔的環境中,才是真正戒掉情感的最好辦法.

我以為自己很不喜歡告訴別人我的隱私,可是facebook卻讓我透露了最多的自己. 多麼慘忍,我這樣把自己攤在最不自在的環境裡而不自知,反而還一天天沉淪陷落下去,以為這樣就能得到眾人的關心和同情,結果反而是對自己最大的傷害. 我對自己感到羞怯和抱歉, 而最好彌補自己的方式,就是暫時的退出這個地方,直到自己能夠勇敢的面對自己的情緒為止.

所以相信我 我沒有un-friend你們,我只是deactivate了我自己而已. Hope this way I can deactivate my emotions too...

獅子與牛羚

在肯亞的時候,幸運的看到牛羚過河的精彩畫面.數千隻的牛羚奮不顧身的投入馬拉河中,為的是對岸肥美的鮮草,和一種與同族類一起感受群體融合的喜悅.

整個過程中最有趣的部分是等待牛羚縱身一躍過河的期間. 數十輛的game drive 4WD 並排沿著河邊停放,所有的人都在車上靜靜的屏息以待,深怕一個大動作,就會把上萬隻徘徊躊躇的牛羚嚇跑. 牛羚群過河前,會尋找一個適當的下水點,然後集結在一起,靜靜的觀察地勢,觀察周遭環境,觀察水裡的動靜,是否有鱷魚或禿鶩在旁虎視眈眈.然後觀察同伴的狀態, 靜待誰縱身一躍的時候可以立刻跟進.可是牛羚群們總那麼的躊躇不前,牠們可以在河邊等待數個小時,甚或數個清晨,直到有同伴不顧一切的跳下為止. 一隻牛羚前進, 所有的牛羚躁動前推; 一隻牛羚受驚後退,成千上萬的牛羚立刻蹭著步伐離開岸邊. 牠們不厭其煩的在馬拉河邊,時而前進,時而後退,不斷的變換打算下水的位置,這樣反反覆覆的動作重複數十次後,終於有一隻牛羚不知是不耐這種躁動的情緒,還是不小心被後面的同伴推下水,總之,當第一隻牛羚落下水面的剎那,成千的牛羚就依序的跳入水面,然後非常有規律的循著前者的路順勢游上岸. 一隻一隻,成千成百,大家一步一步的爬上對岸,甩乾水分,然後望著隔岸尚未入水的牛羚,殷切等待.

到肯亞看大遷徙,最大的重點就是在等待牛羚過河,很多人說這是一種運氣,必須在對的時間對的季節,才能有幸看到這樣的奇景. 而人們最驚喜的,就是可以拍攝到牛羚奮不顧身縱身一躍的那個時刻. 牛羚的腿非常細,而河岸非常的陡峭,許多牛羚在跳河的剎那,抑或是折斷了腿,又或是摔傷了身體,恐怕河裡有鱷魚張口一咬,所以這樣的過河歷程充滿了危險,而那破釜沉舟只為對岸肥美水草的不顧一切,的確是這樣情景的最大賣點.

我笑說,牛羚追逐水草就像年輕的男孩追逐女孩,那樣的渴求卻又那樣的畏怯. 他們時而前進,時而後退,時而躊躇不前,時而衝動躁進. 該下水不該下水,年輕的男孩充滿了猶豫,但一旦跳下了水,就那樣的不顧一切.

而獅子,這草原上的主事者啊!~是那麼的不一樣. 牠們從不輕易出手,但一旦下手就勢在必得. 像成熟的男人, 他們不輕易躁動,總是慵懶的躺在草原上無視一切,可是當牠們鎖定了目標,就無所謂的躊躇不前. 當他們撲向獵物之時,毫無招架之力的獸類們,只能無助的睜著眼, 被侵襲吞嗜,然後屍骨殘存的暴露在荒野上,靜待禿鷹吞襲殘餘的肉體,血肉模糊難以辨別.

泳渡成功之~我漂過了日月潭

早在去年我就和好友國珍約定,今年一定要一起來泳渡日月潭. 我這個泳技超爛、體力又差的傢伙,之所以會答應來挑戰,完全是出於牡羊座的義氣和"憨膽"來的. 話說去年國珍已經和朋友報名了這個活動,可是因為前兩天被我拖去參加一個 wine tasting event,甜白酒喝一個太多宿醉兩天而錯過了泳渡,讓我覺得自己當然得義不容辭的和她一起參加今年的活動.

報了名之後,我們覺得應該要稍微練習一下,畢竟3.3KM可不是開玩笑的.日月潭又不是游泳池,游累了可以站起來休息,所以就很努力的去游泳池"試游"了兩次. 噗~ 第一次我只游了300公尺,第二次稍為進步一點,1000公尺. 兩次都距離3300公尺非常非常的遙遠哪~ 於是我整個人驚慌不已,覺得自己應該會在潭中溺死,但為了朋友,還是拼了吧!(國珍一直安慰我有魚雷浮標,別擔心!)

Little Prince's hairs and the tamed fox

小王子的故事裡,最讓我喜歡的一段就是他與狐狸的故事. 也因為喜歡小王子,我的網誌分類 label 就是用小王子的故事來表達各種不同的心境. 在東非肯亞safari時, 車子駛過一片片金黃色的草原,我不禁想起了小王子的金色頭髮,還有那被馴服的狐狸和牠看見金黃麥田時對小王子的思念.

Here is the story:

It was then that the fox appeared.

"Good morning," said the fox.

"Good morning," the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.

"I am right here," the voice said, "under the apple tree."

"Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at."

"I am a fox," the fox said.

"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince. "I am so unhappy."

"I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed."

"Ah! Please excuse me," said the little prince.

But, after some thought, he added:

"What does that mean--'tame'?"

"You do not live here," said the fox. "What is it that you are looking for?"

"I am looking for men," said the little prince. "What does that mean--'tame'?"

"Men," said the fox. "They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"

"No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean--'tame'?"

"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. It means to establish ties."

"'To establish ties'?"

"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ."

"I am beginning to understand," said the little prince. "There is a flower . . . I think that she has tamed me . . ."

"It is possible," said the fox. "On the Earth one sees all sorts of things."

"Oh, but this is not on the Earth!" said the little prince.

The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious.

"On another planet?"

"Yes."

"Are there hunters on that planet?"

"No."

"Ah, that is interesting! Are there chickens?"

"No."

"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox.

But he came back to his idea.

"My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat . . ."

The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.

"Please--tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me . . ."

"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me--like that--in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day . . ."

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you . . . One must observe the proper rites . . ."

"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.

"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."

So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near--

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . ."

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added:

"Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.

"You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world."

And the roses were very much embarassed.

"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you--the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or ever sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.

And he went back to meet the fox.

"Goodbye," he said.

"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose--" said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose . . ."

"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

My timber, I am drowning

You dragged me to drown with you,

promised to be my timber.

And suddenly you decided to pull out,

letting me sink alone into the bottomless.

The water surface remains quiet,

like that I've never existed.

Today's Quote

Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time
~ The Alchemist

The Alchemist (牧羊少年奇幻之旅) 是我最近一直反覆閱讀的一本書.他給我的啟發超越任何一本我曾讀過的書,尤其對我這樣一個不愛勵志文學的人來說,這本書剛好出現在一個非常棒的時機點.

其實這書已經放在我的書櫃裡好多年了,可我一直都沒有想要拿出來看的動力,最主要原因就是我不太喜歡勵志的書,雖然它只是非常薄的一本 (英文版,不懂中譯本為何那麼厚啊?!), 可是就硬是沒有看. 直到最近,剛好他提到的內容有沙漠.駱駝,大小又很適合出差時搭飛機帶著,所以我就開始了,沒想到一讀不可收拾,欲罷不能. 加上飛機誤點等待的時間,住院的時間,我很快的就把他看完了.

因為裡面有太多的故事讓我很有高度聯想,所以我完全沉迷在其中不可自拔.不過讀後感容後再敘,今天要講的是其中的這一段話.

從我受傷開始,一路到飛機誤點延誤就醫,到病情急轉直下要做手術,甚至住院,到出院後狀況不佳坐上輪椅,竟然連搭計程車都會掉皮夾,我總會想起這段話 (雖然大部分的人聽完都是叫我去拜拜啦!). 不過我卻不太願意把"禍不單行"這幾個字和這段話聯想在一起, 原因可能也跟看了這本書,變得比較豁達有關. 如果這是我要尋找到我的Personal Legend前需要承受的痛苦與折磨,那我寧願把最近的遭遇想成"天將降大任於斯人也",這樣自己比較好過,人生也會比較有希望的~! 雖然我不太清楚會有什麼大任啦,不過吃過了這些苦之後,也沒有什麼更大的傷害可以嚇得了我了!

天將降大任於斯人也,必先苦其心志,勞其筋骨,餓其體膚,空乏其身,行拂亂其所為,所以動心忍性,曾益其所不能 ~孟子

小毛驢住院日誌 (六)

Day 4

漸漸的克服了對小刀醫師的恐懼之後,我越來越期待早晨的巡房時間. 因為如果有問題要問主治大夫,只能抓緊每天他出現的短短一分鐘趕快講出來, 否則他看看傷口離開,就又得等下一天才能問了. 所以為了那短短的一分鐘,我每天睡前都會沙盤演練一番,先想想要問的問題,然後再想想應該怎麼問比較好. 最好是問Yes/No question, 不要問open question, 比較快又有明確答案. 然後早上起床後再複習一下昨天計畫好的問題和順序,等大夫推門進來的那一剎那就開始問,才有機會在他離開前把問題都問完.

於是繼昨天問了可不可以下床走和能不能按摩腳趾頭這樣的小問題後,今天的重點就是昨天的白膿. 我提醒護士在他出現前趕快跟我通風報信,才能在他開門時就大聲的打招呼.

"大夫早!!" 我睜大眼睛看著他, 但他沒有甚麼表情,仍舊一身黑衣,他永遠都只穿黑色的,加上怒目的神情,一整個很像黑道.

"我今天又有問題!" 我一副精神十足的樣子.不管怎樣氣勢要先拿出來.

"好,你問!" 他唰的一聲剝開膠帶和紗布.可是我已經不怕了.

"我昨天換藥時看到傷口上有白膿,那是正常的嗎?" 聽到我說這話,他特別多看了一眼傷口.

"是正常的,因為你之前的肉都爛了,要長新肉一定會有膿的,有膿才表示傷口漸漸復原"

"那大夫,我每天拉肚子也是正常嗎?是吃抗生素的關係嗎?" "對,是正常反應" 他蓋上傷口,轉身打算離開

"還有!"我聲音很大,他頓了一下. "我一定要出院時才能開醫生證明嗎?" 之前我問護士還有阿長,大家都說出院才能開,可是我請假想先拿到.

本來已經走到門邊的他這時回頭,突然很和氣的跟我說, "不用啊~你現在就要嗎? 我現在就開給你" 說完他就走了出去. 跟在他身後的幾位護士,全部都非常吃驚的望著我,然後又低頭趕緊跟著走了出去.

接著我就聽到他在門外交待護士趕緊準備我的醫生證明,還讓他們進來問我的英文名字以便開英文版的證明. 不到一小時,兩份中英文的證明就已經漂亮的交到我手上了. 當然,這麼有效率我相信絕大部分都是看媽媽的面子,可是小刀對我越來越友善也是不爭的事實. 哈!我開始喜歡起這個冷面小刀了!

不僅僅這天對查房這件事有了很大的突破,我也首度的在換藥時終於沒哭了.可能是痛得習慣了,又可能真的傷口在復原沒那麼痛了,總之,這天之後,我再也沒有為了恐怖的換藥過程掉過一滴眼淚,也算是一大成就啦!

不過說到打點滴這件事,其實是讓我很頭痛的. 因為蜂窩性組織炎需要24小時打抗生素,連續注射七天才有效,中間不能間斷,否則可能會產生抗藥性. 所以基本上我的手上得隨時掛著點滴. 可偏偏我的皮膚很薄,血管非常敏感,即使是埋軟針,我都還是會痛得不得了.尤其實前面三天打在手背上,只要輕輕一動我就非常不舒服,整個手背連手指也都腫起來. 所以直到這天我要換位置打時,就特別要求護士幫我打在手腕上方的手臂上. 當護士把針拆下後,我看著發青的手背,覺得真是太舒服啦! 沒想到我血管的敏感讓我即使打在手臂上仍然在不到兩天後又痛到紅腫發炎,腫到點滴都打不進去,還緊急找護士來幫我換了第三個地方.

這天最有趣的插曲就是洗頭了. 由於傷口不能碰水,在醫院不方便外出的情況下,我只得拜託剛從美國回來度假的貴婦好友 Jennifer 帶著大包小包的東西過來幫我洗頭. 沒想到一整個下午訪客不斷,頭髮才剛洗好,又有朋友到訪, Jennifer只好又拿起吹風機幫我吹乾. 然後接著又有朋友,搞到她無聊得跑去逛東區,直到天都黑了才又回來幫我做臉. 哇!真是一整個貴婦的頂級住院之旅啊!!

不過我也貢獻給Jennifer一個頂級的私人換藥秀. 當她看到助理醫生突然拿起沾藥的棉枝,伸進傷口的洞裡清潔時,心理毫無準備的她居然發出了又長又淒厲的恐怖尖叫~~~~啊~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!

把換藥醫生嚇了好大的一跳,也讓她開始一直笑個不停. 這時,在這層樓的所有人,都被這叫聲給引了過來,隔壁房的病人從床上跳下來一探究竟,護士也緊張的跑了過來,家屬和很多的訪客也都嚇得在門外不停的張望. 沒想到,護士才踏進病房, Jennifer 居然指著我說 "Mandy你幹嗎叫那麼大聲? 我知道很痛但你要忍一下啊~~!!"

我一整個愣住,接著就笑翻了. 我邊忍住笑岔的氣,邊無辜的告訴護士,真的不是我叫的,而助理醫生則是笑得更大聲了. 我抓住Jennifer,說 "你別再逗她笑了,她越笑手越抖,在我的傷口清潔抖抖抖真的會很痛耶!!" 就這樣,今天晚間的換藥就在尖叫和狂笑中落幕,而我,也完全忘記了那份恐怖的痛苦了!

本日探病謝卡:
Jennifer 貴婦充當洗頭小妹還幫我護髮和做臉,以及被媽媽吃光光的一口壽司
Katherine & Sally 分享帥哥賞析
訪客過多講不到電話的David 越洋關心
YC 不棄嫌的再次到訪透氣小站
Titan和無數幫助修復嘴破的維他命C商品,計有每日C. CC Lemon, 檸檬酸糖,已停產的檸檬Extra
Nina & 首次見面的 Eric (終於見到面了)
慧雯邪解 & 胖子Luke 和馳名越南牛肉河粉還有欣葉的刈包

小毛驢住院日誌 (五)

Day 3

其實我開始有點懷疑,雖然小刀醫師這樣兇狠無情,但他土法煉鋼的方式似乎挺適合我的. 而且如果我前老闆YC說得沒錯 (他從第一天起就很欣賞這個旋風小刀),只有這個暴戾的嗜血大夫才治得住我. 因為他快狠準完全不給我思考的機會,往往我根本還來不及哎哎叫,他就已經完成了一切的動作. 雖然他每天清晨的查房還是讓我嚇得睡不著覺,尤其值大夜班的護士也怕他怕得要命,我們兩個人總是從天還沒亮,凌晨五點就開始緊張不已. 好在住院期間不需要由小刀換藥,不然我那呼天搶地的叫聲,恐怕會無法控制的激怒小刀吧!

不過,我也慢慢理解小刀的一些行為. 比如說,他的冷酷無情只因為他需要快手完成手術,清得乾淨才不至於需要二次手術,長痛不如短痛; 又比如說他唰的一聲撕開紗布,其實反而能減少慢慢剝開的疼痛,以及感染的可能. 又還有, 他在我痛得要命時還繼續搗攪傷口,是因為爛掉的肉不能吸收麻藥,所以會感到疼痛,他要把爛肉除去, 而不是變態的在未麻醉的部位動刀.

打了幾天的抗生素,又躺在床上不停的吃親友們送來的愛心食物,我恢復的能力似乎開始加速,今天也發現自己居然可以不用柺杖,只要扶著點滴瓶,慢慢走就可以自己去上洗手間了.這樣的進展讓我很開心,覺得自己好像真的有在漸漸的好轉. 雖然只要把腳放低,走個兩三步就會開始疼痛,能夠行走的距離也不超過五公尺,可是這已經讓我充滿了信心.

沒想到,晚上醫生助理換藥時,我卻在醜陋的傷口凹洞周圍,發現了白白的一層像是化膿的組織. 我又著急又擔心, 忍不住的哭了. 緊張的我顫抖著聲音問助理,這個白膿是不是惡化的象徵? 會不會我的傷口又發炎了,可不可能我又要挖一次爛肉啊? 助理很尷尬,不敢回答,他只是默默的換好藥後跟我說了句,這個你可能要問主任,就推著那裝滿了瓶瓶罐罐和紗布棉枝的換藥車,叮叮噹噹的走出去了.

我一個人躺在床上,想到手術的恐怖和換藥的痛苦,還有白膿的醜陋,忍不住又哭了. 這幾天我掉的眼淚, 收集起來都夠把我的傷口洗乾淨了. 還好YC昨天聽說了我這幾天的睡眠障礙 (我從英國出差開始就因為時差的問題連續好多天都睡不好,聽說這也是病情惡化的原因之一),今天特別帶了兩張 JS Bach 的 Goldsberg Variations CD給我. 結果這CD 超有效,聽了二十分鐘我就睡到護士幾次進來打針量血壓和體溫我都沒力氣理她了.

本日探病謝卡
Jenn 和 Christine的愛心睡衣
Alexis & Christine 帶來讓我喝了一整天的蔬果汁和草莓牛奶
YC 和讓我終於可以安睡的兩張JS Bach CD
Jennifer 和通化街米粉湯.小菜,還有一整車的保養品